I am a proud Army wife. My husband who is now retired from active duty will be the first one to say it is the Soldier who has the easier part and the family members bear the brunt of deployments. We are the ones who are left behind to wipe the tears and hug away the hurt. We're the ones who see the empty chairs at the dinner table and to explain why daddy can’t be at your baseball game to cheer you on. We are the ones who must adjust the most and be more resilient in an effort to maintain the status quo. I am not sure that I agree with him. After all, I’m not the one dodging bullets and incoming mortar fire or eating meals out of a plastic pouch. However, I will agree that it is most certainly an adjustment and requires you to make choices to be resilient for self-preservation.
I recall preparing for his first deployment to Iraq in 2004. Our youngest son was just shy of three years old. He barely understood what is daddy’s job. So for him to grasp that daddy was leaving for twelve months was beyond his ability. My mind began swirling with thoughts of what our new normal was going to be like for the next year. What if he came home injured, a completely different person, or what if he didn’t come home at all? All very real scenarios that any wife should not have to think about as she bids her Soldier farewell. How do I find the words to explain and help a two-year-old understand what is happening?
In the first weeks of the deployment, things went pretty smoothly. We had been used to our Soldier being gone for extended training missions, so this was nothing new. At around the one month mark, that’s when I noticed a shift in our son’s demeanor. He quietly began to withdraw and retreated into his own little world. He was no longer our exuberant “Little Mister Man” that he previously we knew him to be.
His emotions were all over the place – sad, angry, afraid. If he caught himself being happy, then guilt would set in. As if he thought, "because daddy isn’t here to share in my joy, I don’t deserve to be happy." It was nearly two months before he would speak to his dad on the phone. I pulled out every possible strategy to keep him talking, to no avail. He was simply scared and overwhelmed. As I struggled to understand how to lead my child through some very uncertain times, there was one thing that I knew in my mother’s heart that I must do — I must help my child find his voice again. And I did it by becoming a better listener.
In an effort to get him talking again, I instituted a new rule. Each evening at the dinner table, we would each talk about three things that occurred that day — one thing that went really well, one thing that didn’t go so well, and one thing you would do differently. It could be something as simple as, I went all day without having an accident. Or, my friend let me read her book. Maybe it was making a poor choice and having to deal with consequences of the choice. Regardless of the circumstances, it gave us the opportunity to share what was going on in our lives in a safe place, without judgement, and maybe even to use each other as a sounding board for making better choices in the future.
It was simple, but effective. So effective in fact, that our son began talking to his dad on the phone again using “The Three Things” to begin his conversations. We continued The Three Things when my husband got home from deployment and at every single family dinner until our youngest son moved away to go to college. We still find ourselves doing it when we come back together. It has become such a part of us, that we miss it when we don’t do it.
Full circle, last year I was writing a paper for my college psychology class on resilience. I used my son as my interview subject. When I asked him, "what are some of the things you remember most about your childhood?" He effortlessly replied, “That’s easy! The Three Things!” He went on to explain that, it’s allowed him to put a lot of his worries, problems and stress into perspective. That no matter what he’s facing he knows he can get through it. It’s also allowed him to prioritize and make decisions, even the really tough ones. But most importantly, he knows he can come to me with that really big stuff, because he knows I’m listening.
I have found that the concept of The Three Things is an excellent conversation starter when I have new client meetings. By asking these three simple questions, I place myself at the ready to listen, and really listen to what they are saying. Because it is through their answers that I will be able to help them connect back to what is most important to them, whether it is their project, business or strategic goals.
How can Ripple Effect help you meet your goals? Let us know. We’re listening.
Comments